A lesson in listening to mom!

Living in Colorado is awesome. During the year it is common to dress in layers. We wear jackets in the morning and shorts in the afternoon, that is just how it is. Today was no exception to that rule. Sissy felt she knew better and after asking her three times to put her jacket on she refused. I picked my battle and let her be. I finished bundleing the baby and put him in the stroller. Out of the house we went for a two block walk to school. Half way there this little voice says "I am cold mommy" well yeah honey it is cold outside that is why mommy asked you to wear your jacket. It broke my heart watching her stand in line chilli as the only kindergartner without a coat. I called her over and snuggled her until the bell rang! Guess next time mom isn't so crazy!

Tears

These days I live the life of a typical housewife complete with a mini-van. Up until this year I have felt like my own little person however this kindergarten stage for the twins has rocked my world a bit.  It seems my days of actually getting the house clean (if they ever exsisted) are over for a while. I keep plugging along dealing with the exhaustion of caring for a 6month old and 5 year old twins. Driving here and there, running around never seems to end. There is always something going on. My journey to get to this place in life was not an easy one. It is never far from thought however it seems like a lifetime ago or like it was someone else's. There are those days that a spark sets off the memory of what once was. Tonight was one of those such nights. Just as the rain comes in the middle of a drought my tears flow from a place deep within that does not open the wells often. I am a mother, I have four children! Sounds simple enough yet so difficult. Meeting so many new people I have been force to do the awkward dance over and over this past month. I forget the emotions that go along with saying that one of my children passed away. I do it so in a hundred conversations I don't make others feel sorry for me. Elijah was my everything from the time I learned there was a little person growing within until the day I kissed him for the last time at his funeral. This little boy who went though more physically then most do in al lifetime was gone. I celebrate the death of his earthy body and his every lasting life. I just miss being his mama. He was such a gift not a burdon as some would think. I cannot explain that to all these new people entering my life. I cannot tell them how it feels to have lost a child. It has been many years yet my journey doesn't change he is part of me. As people see me going a little nuts holding one sqirmey 6 month old and rounding up two 5year olds I am sure they consider me ungrateful for what I have been givin. Oh if they only knew how often I thank God for my children. Every hour of everyday I feel the blessing of my father in heaven. Tonight my eyes are soaked with the tears that fall for my Eligh I miss him and feel the deep pain in my chest, the pain that reminds me of saying goodbye and pain of his diagnosis. So I let them fall because to feel the pain helps me to remember that I am his mama and I love him even though I cannot hold him.