Beyond difficult

This year thanksgiving was spent in the hospital with my son as he received day 4 & 5 of chemo this week. The infusion center was closed so he had to do it inpaitiant. We did our time and got home Friday night and made the most of the visit from grandma and papa. They headed home today.

I haven't been to Isaiah's grave since his service September 18th. Today our family made our way to the cematary. I really wanted to go, take my boys wreaths for Christmas. I did not foresee the sadness that would come over me and continue throughout the day. I have been visiting the cematary for years now and at first the tears flowed like rivers then I was able to go visit Elijah's grave without a tear and just joyful memories. Today oh today, my eyes swollen and my head hurts. As I look across the cematary plots there among them are my two sons. One child who had a short life filled with difficulties however we made the memories we could with him. I smile so much when I think of him. The other child a baby that I only knew from the movements he made inside my womb. His life took us by surprise we were both excited and scared for his birth. Never did we think he would be gone before he could take his first breath. Today I cry for my sons and especially for Isaiah. I never had the opportunity to know him and in the last 2 1/2 months I have barely had the moments to morn his passing. It is true he was not expected yet he was wanted. I miss him so much and all the things we never had a chance to do. The memories I have hurt deeply I hope and pray that I can find some joyful memories to hold onto.

Hit the wall

I think I have hit the wall! There is only so many thing a person can take. Nathanael was hospitalized last Thursday to have a tumor removed from his lung. Here we are 8 days later and he is still on a chest tube and the lung is leaking air. Yesterday we got news his stool tested positive for C.diff a nasty intestinal bug! Now we are on isolation and here for a few more days.

Strong...

This is gonna sound so confusing.

I feel one way, people see me another then I question how I can be what the see in me.
Strong! Hmmm Why am I said to be so strong?

What do people see that makes them think this?

People also talk about the things I have been through as though it gives me more credit with God. Although things are and have been difficult, a journey such at this gives its rewards here on earth. I don't think and it doesn't make me feel any better to think that I have a higher status than anyone else when it comes to getting into heaven or my standings with God.

Back to the strength that people see in me. Well when life has thrown so much at you that there is no other option but to turn to God it is only by his strength that you can go on. It is by his strength I can get up in the morning. It is by his strength that I can do anything. 

Hospitalized again

Here I sit while Nathanael finally sleeps. It has been a day of Nurses in and out and pumps beeping and a constant flow of interruptions. Yesterday he was running a bit of a fever and it jumped up to 101. With the chemotherapy he is going through any fever of 101 or higher is an automatic hospitalization to start antibiotics and run cultures to look for infections. He is still running a fever even after 24hours of antibiotics.

Almost broken..
Yesterday when the doctor called back and said bring him down and check him in. I was overcome with emotion and sobbed uncontrollable. Overwhelmed my heart broken, my body healing and my son fighting. It is all so much. For months now we have been going and going nonstop. I packed my bag by randomly throwing stuff in my bag. It wasn't till today that I realized how random. Hardly anything to wear and nothing matches. I spent most of the day in my pajamas. Nathanael had a chest X ray today and it was awesome walking through the hospital in a t-shirt and Christmas pajama bottom.

I am guessing the nurses who have helped us before we're told about Isaiah or they are just smart enough not to ask. I am clearly not pregnant anymore and it is always in my head "what will I say when they ask" no matter how I answer it is uncomfortable. I try not to let things get to me too much but some things are tying to break me. The hospital plays music every time a baby is born. Nathanael is obsessed with it and gets so excited. It is a constant reminder that my baby is gone. For my son I suck it up and celebrate with him with a high five. All the while I am thinking about Isaiah.

I know there isn't anyone signed up for this blog, not even sure if anyone is reading but I will post anyway. I am curious to see where this goes.

Too much time has passed...

It has been a year since I have even looked at this blog. I must admit I just haven't had the time or energy. I ran across the link to my blog and thought I should post. As I signed in I realized there is just too much to share in just one post. I will say that I re-read September 11, 2012 Tears! Boy oh boy has my world been turned upside down since then. I struggle to find a starting point as to what I share  first. So here goes:

I sit here tonight with 3 kiddos tucked in bed and a heart trying to sort out so many emotions. January 15th my 6 year old son was diagnosed with Wilms tumor (pediatric kidney cancer) stage 2. He had his kidney that contained the tumor removed and underwent 6 months chemotherapy. We thought we were done. At the end of treatment the run scans to verify no new cancer growth. We were a bit nervous and rightly so. The scans showed new growth in his lungs. One tumor in each. Devastating to say the least. Something that seemed so hopeful just got really complicated. Now we were looking at radiation and 9-12 more months of chemotherapy. I had already lost a child now the reality of losing another was too much.

Halfway through Nathanael's chemotherapy we got a huge surprise. Even though I had a sterilization procedure done called Essure, we were pregnant. It was so funny and shocking we laughed. I was scared but excited at the same time. I wasn't sure how we were gonna do all this heavy chemo for one child and care for 2 others and a newborn. Wow that was heavy. I was 20weeks along when we found out we were having a baby and also learned it was a boy! Oh a boy!!! My youngest would only be 18months old when the baby was born, they would share a room and be the best of brothers. We were pretty much ready for our precious baby when on September 11, 2013 I delivered my fifth child Isaiah. We learned the day before at 34weeks gestation we lost our son. For a 2nd time in my life I would bury my child. I cannot even explain the depths of the pain now being without two of my children. I trust in God and know that he has been and will continue to walk this journey with me. I fight not to understand all of this but to get through each day in one piece. We continued our fight for one son while we buried another. We continue this fight today!