Here I sit while Nathanael finally sleeps. It has been a day of Nurses in and out and pumps beeping and a constant flow of interruptions. Yesterday he was running a bit of a fever and it jumped up to 101. With the chemotherapy he is going through any fever of 101 or higher is an automatic hospitalization to start antibiotics and run cultures to look for infections. He is still running a fever even after 24hours of antibiotics.
Almost broken..
Yesterday when the doctor called back and said bring him down and check him in. I was overcome with emotion and sobbed uncontrollable. Overwhelmed my heart broken, my body healing and my son fighting. It is all so much. For months now we have been going and going nonstop. I packed my bag by randomly throwing stuff in my bag. It wasn't till today that I realized how random. Hardly anything to wear and nothing matches. I spent most of the day in my pajamas. Nathanael had a chest X ray today and it was awesome walking through the hospital in a t-shirt and Christmas pajama bottom.
I am guessing the nurses who have helped us before we're told about Isaiah or they are just smart enough not to ask. I am clearly not pregnant anymore and it is always in my head "what will I say when they ask" no matter how I answer it is uncomfortable. I try not to let things get to me too much but some things are tying to break me. The hospital plays music every time a baby is born. Nathanael is obsessed with it and gets so excited. It is a constant reminder that my baby is gone. For my son I suck it up and celebrate with him with a high five. All the while I am thinking about Isaiah.
I know there isn't anyone signed up for this blog, not even sure if anyone is reading but I will post anyway. I am curious to see where this goes.
No comments:
Post a Comment