Beyond difficult

This year thanksgiving was spent in the hospital with my son as he received day 4 & 5 of chemo this week. The infusion center was closed so he had to do it inpaitiant. We did our time and got home Friday night and made the most of the visit from grandma and papa. They headed home today.

I haven't been to Isaiah's grave since his service September 18th. Today our family made our way to the cematary. I really wanted to go, take my boys wreaths for Christmas. I did not foresee the sadness that would come over me and continue throughout the day. I have been visiting the cematary for years now and at first the tears flowed like rivers then I was able to go visit Elijah's grave without a tear and just joyful memories. Today oh today, my eyes swollen and my head hurts. As I look across the cematary plots there among them are my two sons. One child who had a short life filled with difficulties however we made the memories we could with him. I smile so much when I think of him. The other child a baby that I only knew from the movements he made inside my womb. His life took us by surprise we were both excited and scared for his birth. Never did we think he would be gone before he could take his first breath. Today I cry for my sons and especially for Isaiah. I never had the opportunity to know him and in the last 2 1/2 months I have barely had the moments to morn his passing. It is true he was not expected yet he was wanted. I miss him so much and all the things we never had a chance to do. The memories I have hurt deeply I hope and pray that I can find some joyful memories to hold onto.