My Sweet Isaiah

Sweet baby your life was a blink in time yet your heart will beat with mine until the day I take my last breath and my heart beats for very the last time.  To think of you my little one leaves me wanting more, pictures, memories, anything or really it leaves me wanting one. One minute of your life in my arms alive. It is true that you never opened your eyes to this world. There in your safe place you lived all of the days you were given to us. You lived quietly for a while before we even knew you were there. Then one day you made it known, at first a pound here and there then a flip and a flutter. Wait what is that I feel. A flip and a flutter was you knocking on the wall saying here I am mommy! A test and a drive later we were shocked, excited, scared, and overall rejoicing. We were going to have you. A forth boy to add to the Kurtz family. Your sister was a little sad that we already knew your were a boy. At 20 weeks mommy was halfway through our pregnancy.  For months you were safe and sound without anyone tainting your presence. We spent the next few weeks preparing for you and discussing a name. A name worthy of such a miracle. You were a miracle. Only God our Father could have placed such a gift inside my body. Your life outside my womb was not to be. You and I son we had such a connection that mommy knew you were going to be special. This pregnancy had some differences from others. I tried to push any odd feelings I had away and concentrate on your birth. One day I couldn't let it be and I hadn't felt you move. I had not ever experienced the heaviness of a belly full of a baby yet empty of life. I knew in my heart you were gone. I hid my concern even from myself, hoping someone would tell me something different something I didn't already feel. The nurse, then the ultrasound tech then finally the Doctor your life was no longer. No heartbeat they said and they really didn't have to because I could see with my own eyes I could hear nothing with my own ears. Your little body was still there but your heart beat no longer. Looking at your brothers and your sister in the room with me, I held my tears. I Knew your birth would be soon. I knew it would be difficult. I wasn't ready, there was no preparing for this. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't even get to meet you yet your body was still there. I have given birth to four babies yet your birth was by far the hardest. In the depths of my emotions I was to muster up enough strength to give birth. You were not in the proper position so the Doctor turned you then Daddy and I were alone waiting to see you. A few hours later you were here but not here. I held your lifeless body longing for your spirit to be there too. Your body so little and your skin so fragile. You had lived all you would live inside of me. 34 weeks sounds like a long time, it isn't very long at all. I didn't realize how precious those weeks were. I didn't realize it was all.  After your birth we spent time with you, holding, kissing and wondering what would have been. You were loved little one. You are loved! I didn't even know you yet I missed you very much. One week later we placed you in a beautiful cemetery not far from your older brother. Your life will never be forgotten. You were and you will be loved forever!

Isaiah a name fit for you! So special you are...

Isaiah September  11, 2013